I am deeply upset! On a Friday, the last thing I want to hear is that my very short black boyfriend (in my head) M.I Abaga is cheating on me! The nerve of him to do so and do so publicly? It is no news that I am the chosen tall, beautiful woman for M.I. In fact, we are already married (in my head o). Did anyone miss the memo or the pictures?
Today, M.I publishes a love letter to former Miss World Agbani Darego begging for her to be his Valentine. (In the thickest Naija accent possible) Can you imagine such nonsense???! How ridiculous and embarrassing. What has Agbani got that I don’t have? Oh! am I just too “sapiosexual” for M.I abi? Plus, the letter sef is useless. For a rapper you would think he can weave stronger words i.e. word play than the yamayama he wrote. (Yes I am bitter.)
For the Olodos, below is apparently what “Sapiosexual” means. Me sef I had no idea but I think I am one. Lol!
“”Me? I don’t care too much about the looks. I want an incisive, inquisitive, insightful, irreverent mind. I want someone for whom philosophical discussion is foreplay. I want someone who sometimes makes me go ouch due to their wit and intense sense of humor. I want someone that I can reach out and touch randomly. I want someone I can cuddle with. I decided this all means that I am sapiosexual” ~ Anonymous”
Back to M.I, he says he goes through Agbani’s instagram but M.I can you tell everyone how you were one of the first to subscribe to AML? You still visit AML, a lot, don’t you? *Coughs* Okay I know you don’t like what I said about you and your NO SHOW at the United Sounds of Africa Tour USA last year, or the whole Loopy -Chocolate City business i.e the wayo wayo of not letting the people know (whether una don separate or una dey open relationship) thing I called you out on. But can you not be so ridiculously sensitive and just separate business from matters of the heart??? Sheesh!
I am absolutely devastated and distraught. I should have known better than to love a short black boy! *Ntoh, nmeh.*
AML people, please compare. Who looks better next to M.I? Your answers better be, “you Uduak!” Any other answer and you are forever banned from this site and downloading all of my goodies. In fact, I will block your IP numbers. Looooooooool!
Mr & Mrs. Abaga (in my head)
Okay folks. Enough jare. At least he keeps his attractions tall. I think I can manage just fine without M.I and in fact in a Naija man’s style who gets dissed by a beautiful girl, I can dash you Agbani Darego. You cannot get in my league nau. Loooooooool!
I think M.I will let the world know the truth i.e. his Editor for his website wrote this letter NOT MI, at least I hope. Otherwise my tall girl African princess meets short black boy fairytale is officially over.
Folks, this week was crazy and right now, I should be in Los Angeles enjoying the Pre-Grammys and the upcoming Grammys event. Instead, the business of law shows up to derail my plans. It is what it is. Let’s see if next year I will have better luck.
Enjoy M.I’s Valentine poem written to Agbani Darego and have a fantastic weekend ahead.
My warmest of regards to you all.
Cheers,
Uduak
Dear Agbani Darego, Will you be My Valentine?
My Dearest Agbani Darego,
Will you be my valentine?
Do give this the utmost consideration. If you will be my valentine, let me say that I am, first, of all men most privileged, and second, about to engage in heavy research about what being someone’s valentine actually entails.
If you will not be my valentine, I must assume this is only because you would prefer me to ask you to marry me. If so, poste haste and with rapidity in extremis, I would, My Sweetling, desire your hand- and as much of the rest of you as possible -in blissful matrimony.
But wait. I traverse ahead of myself. I have not introduced myself. Sure I have spent many hours ogling over your Instagram photos and following you closely on Twitter, but I have never, as it were, had the opportunity of introducing myself.
I am The Editor.
Ah, My Lollipop, I can see your sad smile now. You are shaking your head, wondering if I am just another one of those men struck by your beauty and effortless grace.
Yes, it is true I am one of those men, but if I might add, I am even more awestruck by your beauty. There is no hope for me.
Marry me, My Cupcake.
Consider the advantages. I have discussed them below.
My Fondant, If you marry me, you will be fully protected in the event of a Zombie Apocalypse. I have watched Walking Dead (Seasons 1 and 2), and every zombie movie there is. I know how to finish them off (destroy the brain), how to stay alive (Run like hell) and how not to get slowed down by unnecessary hangers on. (I know so much, I am in fact publishing a simple handbook on this very subject called“Surviving The Zombie Apocalypse” available in stores shortly. You will of course, get a free signed copy.)
Secondly, the possibility exists that with your incredibly beautiful genes, and my deeply rooted interests in you, our offspring could be the very first of the race of super intelligent and super powerful humans. I can see it now: Junior finds the cure for cancer. His sister brings about world peace. You and I will bask in parental pride, secure in the knowledge that our union has benefited the world immensely. As I said, the possibility exists.
Thirdly, You will never have to worry about me going off to be an astronaut or being called off on some secret government mission to topple some enemy regime. I won’t even join the Bolivian Army. I suppose these are some of the first things you worry about when you a potential suitor approaches. Rest your lovely head at ease, My Peppermint stick, I will do none of these things.
Have you seen Les Miserables yet? I’m only asking because I haven’t and everyone is going on and on about it.
My Sweetest Sugarplum, I know we have a lot to figure out, but let us ignore the little details of whether you love me or whether you want to get married at all or whether you will be able to stand me. You must believe me when I say those are minor details.
Say you will be my valentine, that is all I ask.
And if you cannot grant that, grant me your personage in marriage.
And if that proves impossible, could I please have your phone number, house address and your word that you will never ever ever take out a restraining order against me?
Thank you, My Strawberry Tart.
Yours Infinitely,
The Editor
Letter Culled from BellaNaija via way of MIabaga.com
